Moving Forward

I bought a marker for Fifty’s grave.  It is a flat stone with two paw prints on it and the inscription, “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.”  I placed the stone on his grave and put a flower in the ground next to it.  I miss him.  As I mentioned before, he was quite a demanding little character and now the house is so silent.  I feel him close to me but I am surprised at how well I am coping with his absence.  When my cat Elliott died, I cried for weeks.  I would cry all the way home from work every day.  One day when I came in the house, my son noticed I had been crying and asked, “Again?”

I said, “Still.”

I missed the hike on Thursday with my Living Strong group and on Saturday with the weight loss challenge group.  I went to my weight loss challenge meeting on Sunday and weighed in.  My weight stayed the same but that is a victory because my eating was out of whack for most of last week.  I went to the Y on Monday and Wednesday for my workouts.  Today was the weight loss challenge hike at Almaden Quicksilver Park. 

I met up with the group and leaders.  I was assured there were two options for hiking and I could choose the less rigorous route.  We started off at a place where there was a billboard with maps and information about the park.  My eyes zoomed in on three words on the sign; mountain lions and ticks.  Okay, I am already way out of my comfort zone.  I am shy and meeting a lot of new people, I don’t really like to exercise and I am on a hike.  Now I have to deal with the fact that I may be killed by a mountain lion or bitten by a tick.  I am aware that one should not run from a mountain lion but since I am more than likely the oldest, heaviest and most out of shape hiker in the group the others have a rare opportunity.  They can easily run away while the mountain lion has me for breakfast.  You’ve all heard the phrase, survival of the fittest.

I trudge on and quickly find the terrain arduous.  There are loose rocks and large stones protruding from the ground.  I feel like I have to watch my every step.  I am walking with a leader who assures me we’ll take it as easily as I need to.  Before long, I am falling behind.  She, engaged in conversation with another hiker does not seem to notice.  A couple of others catch up to me and tell me they will walk slowly with me.  The trail begins to incline as I lumber along breathing heavily.  Soon it is an effort to take small steps.  As I look ahead I know I cannot make it up the first hill.  A hiker who is not part of our group comes from behind and leans close to me, “You can do it” she says encouragingly.  “And when you get to the top, you will feel so proud of yourself.  Only the fact that I know she is trying to be kind and supportive stops me stops me from telling her to……..well, you can guess.

I decide I cannot continue and one of the leaders guides me back to the entrance.  She urges me not to feel bad.  I don’t.  I know my limitations.  I am not a quitter but I know when I am in over my head.  I stop at the grocery store and buy fruit, vegetables, yogurt, cottage cheese and other nutritious foods.  I will do what is in my power to improve my health.  Baby steps, always baby steps.